In 1988 I started to write an essay that began with the words "Beyond myth".
I did not really know what this statement meant, but intuitively I knew for certain that in this statement the secret revelation was hidden that for a lifetime I had been longing for.
At that time, at the age of 47, I was in a certain way "through" with all philosophical, psychological, socio-logical and political and - in a certain way - also all conventional religious questions and answers.
All of these had been thoroughly and deeply studied, worked with, practised for more than 30 years.
But: in none of these fields had I found what I was really looking for.
Since I hold a degree from the Academy of Fine Arts in painting and sculpturing I then thought that maybe in the end I was simply an artist and should no longer waste my time looking for any outer happiness in relationships or by trying to change the world to the better by helping drug-addicts to get clean, or to work with clients on their path to "Individuation", as the Jungian Analysis is called.
I then intensified my artistic work, and since I have always been a very thorough and willing worker, public exhibitions and success came very fast. I enjoyed that the pictures could be looked at, that I held money in my hands for the sold ones, that by this I could see that people liked what I had expressed.
But the longed for satisfaction...it was even further away than ever before.
Meditation had always given me deep insights, as had the so-called "Seelengespräch" a deeper form of
voice - dialogue, I had created and practised for many years.
But: no matter what I had studied, practised and worked with, I felt like Dr. Faustus when he in Goethes Faust proclaims: Here am I now, having studied all of the world here I now stand simply like a clown, as smart as
I have ever been before....
The live-long two questions that remained were:
Who or what is GOD. And why do human beings – including me - not really change, even if they know better.
Why are JESUS and the BUDDHA not really ALIVE, in action or None – action.
I had always tried to " be a good, loving, helpful person ", but "in the end" my love and my help somehow or other seemed always to turn against me.
And all outer success, and at times it had been overwhelming, never seemed to satisfy some remaining deeper longing. I even considered to convert and retreat from the outer world as a catholic nun, as I had already considered when I was in my teens.
I often thought that maybe my life had failed in personal relations so often because I had not followed that path, and that the suffering was the deserved punishment for this.
I deeply admired Mother Teresa, her deep insights, her devotion to God and the work she did for the poor.
I had always felt very close to her.
Later I should find out why. Her fixation in the Enneagram and mine are the same. A two with a very strong one -wing.
At other times it seemed that I should learn to be more satisfied with what I had. Sometimes I thought that maybe the too early loss of both parents in early childhood had caused such a deep wound and that this would probably never be able to heal.
And then again I believed simply to be too much for others to bear, too intelligent, too stupid, too intense, too boring, too big, too blonde too, too, too in all respects...
Maybe I had not gone to analysis long enough, maybe there was some karmic guilt, I could not figure it out.
Maybe the clairvoyance I had lived with since my early childhood days, was a curse on me, was too scary
The mind created millions of explanations again and again, drifting between too good and too bad, according to outer failure or success, acceptance or rejection.
Some times only according to moods. Some times without any outer reason at all. The only times these questions did not arise were when I simply "was".
While kissing - only kissing took place, While in a fight - only fighting took place, While drawing or writing nothing else appeared. Playing with the children was only playing with the children. While skiing or surfing, I was only surfing or skiing.
But these states never lasted.
Interpretations, rationalisations, explanations followed, accompanied by feelings either of guilt, shame or fear. Depending on the circumstances, but follow they did, one hundred percent. Strangely enough I never gave up. When I found some books on carmic astrology another glimps of reality seemed to shine through the thick dark dschungle of stupidity.
But this also did not last, states of deep loneliness and being "wrong" arose again and again.
But then a book of the Enneagram was given to me.
That was it. It gave me all the answers I had been looking for.
And the next step the last final step into freedom happiness stillness and everlasting peace when meeting my teacher BELOVED GANGAJI fulfilled all needs answered all questions.